A THERAPIST'S STORY REGARDING DEPRESSION
Your diagnosis is persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia). When my therapist told me this I could feel my body getting hot. Me depressed that didn’t sound right. At the time when I thought about depression, I did not view myself as depressed. Before we dive in let me tell you what persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia) is. The DSM V defines this disorder as depressed mood for most of the day, for more days than not as indicated by either subjective account or observation by others for at least two years. Presence while depressed, of two (or more) of the following: poor appetite or overeating, insomnia, or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self esteem, poor concentration, or difficulty making decisions and feelings of hopelessness. In layman's terms this is high functioning depression.
When I finally got the chance to sit with myself, I realized that my depression did not look like the images you see on tv. I was not in bed for days at a time crying. My depression was not debilitating. I had goals and a vision for my life, and I was checking off these goals one by one. On the outside, I was bubbly. I was always laughing and smiling. However, on the inside, I felt sad, loss, and at times empty. I felt like no one would understand where I was coming from, because from the outside looking in it appeared that I had it altogether. What could I possibly be sad about? At times I felt like I was constantly faking it. On my good days, I looked and acted “normal”. I had a smile on my face and was relatively outgoing. On my bad days, however, it required enormous amounts of effort to get out of the bed to complete tasks or even concentrate. I would muster enough energy to do my hair and makeup so it seemed like I had it all together.
Combating high functioning depression is something that I have worked on a daily basis. I built up my tool box for when I experience any symptoms. Journaling has been a Godsend. Whenever I feel any symptoms I get out my journal and start writing about how I feel. Journaling serves as an outlet to express how I am feeling. If I do not have my journal handy, I will write in the notes section in my phone. Therapy is also in my toolbox. Therapy is a safe place for me. It is a place where I can show up exactly as I am. I don’t have to put up a facade and pretend that everything is ok when it is not. What I have also found to be helpful is leaning on my friends and family. At first I did not want to lean on them because I did not want to burden them with my issues. I realized that it wasn’t a burden and it was actually brave of me to lean on my support system.
My depression did not define me then, and it doesn’t define me now. There are so many people who are dealing with high functioning depression. They mask how they are feeling and pretend that everything is ok. It is ok not to feel ok all the time. It took me a while to realize this.
